Throughout
history many learned men have studied the animal kingdom and spoiled
countless reams of perfectly good paper with their observations.
Pliny
the Elder was a great man for this kind of thing. In his Natural History,
first published in AD77, he devoted a chapter to the humble goldfish.
Here
are his Seven Wondrous Verities on the subject.
- The
goldfish is the only creature which does not displace it's own weight
in water.
- In
order to survive, the goldfish must consume at least four times it's
own weight every hour.
- Under
a new moon a goldfish always points due North. (Marco Polo was known
to have carried a number of goldfish with him in case his loadstone
ever broke down. H.R.)
- In
Upper Sumatra goldfish are used as currency.
- In
Egypt goldfish skins are used as condoms.
- Powdered
goldfish is a popular aphrodisiac.
- The
goldfish is the rarely used thirteenth sign of the zodiac.
Well,
we've certainly come a long way since Pliny's day. Goldfish skins are
now in use as condoms the whole world over.
But
do we really know any more about the animal kingdom now than pliny thought
he knew then? I wonder.
Take,
for example, the phenomenon of fish falls. Rains of tiny fish cascading
down on the planet. Observed by many, disbelieved by most, understood
by none. And what about hedgehog falls? So much solid evidence and no
research carried out whatever.
Take
a drive in the country during the hedgehog season and you will see the
remains of thousands of them splattered across the roads. And observe
just how flat they are. They must have fallen from a very great height
to end up like that!
The
popular explanations for these pitiful remains is that the hedgehogs
have been run over by motor cars. Oh dear, oh dear. It is quite clear
to me that the hedgehog, or hedge-hopping hog, as it was originally known,
is a dweller of the upper atmosphere. It feeds on flying insects and the
tiny fish that inhabit the Aquasphere.
The
Aquasphere, as all who have read my monograph Noah's Flood : Where
all the water actually came from will know, is the mile-thick outer
layer of water which prevents our atmosphere from drifting away into space.
Hedgehogs, which fish in this region, float about up there, remaining
aloft due to the inflated sacs of natural methan which surrouds their
bodies. When they die, often due to punctures recieved during rutting
season, they deflate and plunge down to earth, exploding as they strike
the tarmac. The fact that you never see a flat hedgehog upon a soft grassy
field, bears this out and proves my point somewhat conclusively, I so
believe.
Another
case of popular explanation falling well wide of the mark is that of the
so called 'extinct' wooly mammoth.
During
my travels across the Siberian Steppes, some years ago, I chanced upon
a team of Russian paeleontologists, who were clearly in a state of heightened
exuberence.
Apparently,
an unseasonable deluge had washed away a section of river bank, exposing
the perfectly preserved carcass of a wooly mammoth. The beast was frozen
in a running posture and looked as fresh as the proverbial daisy.
The
Russian greybeards were quite beside themselves with glee, considering
this to be the find of the century. Somehow, they had gotten it into their
heads that this specimen was at least fifteen thousand years old.
I
introduced myself, and upon learning my identity they naturally begged
me to examine their treasuse and offer an authoritative opinion.
I
was pleased to do so, having nothing else planned for the morning. I perused
the beast and proclaimed that it was indeed a wooly mammoth, of the genus
Mammothus primigenius. And that it had been dead for at least half
hour!
The
wooly mammoth, I explained to them, is a burrowing animal, which lives
exclusively beneath the ground and isvery common in these parts. It tunnels
with it's enormous tusks and dies instantly on it's exposure to sunlight.
'You
have a nice frsh one here', I told them, 'and it would be a shame to waste
it.'
Without
further ado I had my servants haul the carcass back to the village where
I was staying and get the fire stoked up.
The
greybeards made a quite unnecessary fuss about this and I was forced to
employ my stout stick. With typical bad taste they did not attend the
barbecue.
(Nicked from Robert Rankin - not penned by the Hugo Rune that owns this site :)
Added by
Hugo Rune on 08/10/2002 12:40:26
Click here to go back to wherever you came from.